Jerusalem of Gold

I still dream about Israel. Often I'm on the streets of Jerusalem, lost, trying to find my way back to the apartment where I lived in Kiryat Menahem, near Hadassah Ein Karem Hospital. Sometimes I'm waiting for a bus, or trying to find my way to a synagogue on Shabbat.

Last night I dreamed that I was in a cafe with a friend, and I could barely remember my Hebrew. I ordered a Cafe Hafukh (an "upside down" coffee, like a cappuccino) but then I didn't have enough money to pay for it.

In the dreams, I don't feel at home. I'm always on a journey, trying to get somewhere and unsure if I will find it, and how people will receive me once I'm there. I guess I am still searching for my place there, what living there meant to me.

I lived in Israel for close to two years, from 2012-2014, before coming back to the U.S. to begin cantorial school. I made aliyah, became an Israeli citizen. I worked as a librarian at the Hebrew Union College Library, on King David Street. I fell in love, and I got engaged. I broke off the engagement. I learned how to sing. I learned about cantorial music. I heard God's voice more clearly then ever before or since. Many times I felt alone, very alone.

I had no family at all in Israel. My adopted Israeli family were my roommates, one an eccentric Russian immigrant from St. Petersburg whose apartment was full of whimsical furniture made out of twisting tree branches. The space felt like a cross between a dusty fairy tale cottage and a cabin in the alps. Our kitchen window looked out over Ein Karem and a beautiful gold onion domed church. My roommate introduced me to his friends and adopted family, all Russian speakers. We spoke a broken Hebrew-Russian-English hybrid with one another (at least, mine was broken).

I don't know when I will get back to Israel, and when I do I know I will never have the same relationship to it as I did before, when I lived there and tried to assimilate into its culture and society. New York feels like home, but part of me still longs for Israel and the streets of Jerusalem, and hearing God's voice guiding me. For the vibrancy and emotion in the air, and the connection between immigrants from different parts of the world.

In honor of Yom Haatzmaut, Israel's Independence day which is celebrated this Wednesday April 29th, I end with a recording of Yerushalayim Shel Zahav, Jerusalem of Gold, by Naomi Shemer. This is one of the most famous, and most beautiful songs written about Jerusalem.